Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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