I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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