well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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