We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I would ride that face into the sunset
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
