She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
