after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
