I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize