Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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