jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize