he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
