i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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