Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You have to summon your inner elephant
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
