hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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