So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
