Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
