Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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