You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
