I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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