he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
