you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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