i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I will be naked everywhere
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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