i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
