ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
