There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
