If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
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