My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
