You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
