hell yes lets make some ravioli
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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