after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
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