We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
