There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
