God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
