there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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