I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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