I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
