i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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