I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
