If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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