Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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