I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
