hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
