I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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