hotel room ftw
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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