Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
did i just pee glitter
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
