2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
17 year olds will be the death of me.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
