One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
We were destined to go to rehab together
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
