We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
