I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
