When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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