You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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