Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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