She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He better not be in your backpack
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
