i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
