I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You're like the curious george of whores
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
