She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
