I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
