Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
