she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
