I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
