1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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