oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
